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  “That’s what he hired a nanny for, Kira,” he replies. “He didn’t hire you to be his….”

  He breaks off without saying it. I don’t have to hear the word out loud to know what he’s thinking. He thinks I made a whore out of myself by sleeping with my boss. Isaac hired me to be Ivy’s nanny, and now we’re sleeping together.

  I hate how it looks and sounds. I can’t deny it looks and sounds like that and I hate it, but that’s not the way it is between me and Isaac. I know that for certain.

  I would never argue with Parker about that, though. If he wants to think I’m a whore, that’s his business. I didn’t come here to convince him of my pristine virtue.

  “I’m sorry it had to turn out the way it did,” I tell him, “but in a way, it’s better for everybody that it did. I couldn’t marry you. I never felt that way about you, and if I didn’t fall in love with Isaac, something else would have happened to make me realize I don’t feel that way about you. If it hadn’t, I would have married you, and that would have been much worse. You would wind up being married to someone who didn’t love you—at least, to someone who didn’t love you as much as your wife should love you. You can do better than me, Parker. I love you, but I don’t love you as much as I should. I could never feel for you the way I feel about Isaac, and there’s someone out there who does.”

  He listens with his head on one side. The words rush out of me into the room, where I wanted them in the first place. There. I said it, and I can’t take it back, but I feel better now. I’m not lying, and I’m not a whore.

  “I don’t want to break up with you, but I would have to do it even if I never met Isaac. I hope you can understand that and forgive me.”

  “I do understand it, Kira,” he replies, “and there’s nothing to forgive. I’ve known for a long time you didn’t really love me that way. I kept asking you to marry me. You never said no, but you never said yes. You cared too much about me to hurt my feelings, but you just couldn’t go through with it. I should have broken up with you the very first time you didn’t give me a solid yes.”

  I gasp. “Really?”

  He gets to work dismantling his blender and putting the pieces into the sink. “I was thinking about this that time I came to see you at Isaac’s house. I asked you again to marry me, but your head was too full of Isaac and his problems. After I left and drove home, I thought if I had any self-respect at all, I would kick you down the street and never see you again. If you didn’t say yes with tears of joy in your eyes, you weren’t right for me. Instead of saying yes, you were a million miles away.”

  I can’t listen to this. I see a Parker Lynch I never knew before. He knew all along I didn’t feel that way. He knew it even when I didn’t dare admit the truth to myself. I always loved him, but I never shed tears of joy at the thought of becoming Mrs. Parker Lynch.

  He rinses his blender and reassembles it onto its stand. He puts it back in its place. “I can’t say I’m happy for you, Kira. You’ve got a lot of hard times ahead of you, but I guess you know that. I would have made your life easy—maybe too easy. Maybe you need the challenge of someone like Isaac. You would have gotten bored married to me, and that would have made you just as much a nightmare as Jade is to Isaac.”

  I let out a shaky sigh. “Thank you, Parker. Thank you for understanding. I really do love you.”

  He smiles at me for the first time. “I love you, too, but you know something? I never really loved you that way, either. I loved the idea of making you love me. I didn’t share your passion for working with kids and families. I thought it was a silly pastime to keep you occupied until you became my housewife. That was a mistake. I should have known someone like you could never be satisfied with that.”

  I fly across the kitchen and throw my arms around him. I love him more now than I ever thought possible. “Thank you. Oh, thank you.”

  He pushes me away, and the blush colors his cheeks. “Cut it out. I’m not doing you any favors. Now get out of here. I’m sure Isaac and Ivy are waiting for you somewhere. I’m sure they know what a prize they’re getting.”

  I kiss him on the cheek. “I love you, Parker.”

  I race out of the room, happier than I’ve ever been in my life. The heavy alienation that weighed me down on the way here lifts off my shoulders. I’m light as air and free as a bird. I skip down the sidewalk with a song in my heart. I could spread my arms and fly home on the wind.

  That word whispers in my soul. Home. I know where home is now, and I know who’s waiting for me there. I head to the subway, and this time, I love everyone I see. People smile back at me. I’m where I belong on the subway and the sidewalk. I know and cherish everyone.

  I love everyone, including Parker, but my heart belongs to Isaac.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Isaac

  Ivy skips around the park. She runs and frolics with other kids. She hasn’t had this much fun in years, but I can’t stop gazing off into the distance. I keep thinking about Kira. I keep reliving the moment over and over again when my fist flew out at Jade and hit Kira instead.

  She forgives me. She said it was an accident, but I can’t forgive myself. I can’t wipe out ten years of pain in a single day, especially not when that day includes one of the greatest pains of my life.

  How can I look her in the eye again? Not even making love to her erases the shame of hurting her. Not only that, but Ivy had to stand there and watch the whole thing, too.

  I don’t deserve either of these two precious hearts that love me. I don’t deserve to live. It’s God’s punishment for my wrath and fury that I have to keep living as a monster. I’ll never be a man again. Not even Kira’s love can repair the damage.

  A tugging sensation on my arm makes me look down to find Ivy at my side. “Come on, Dad. We’re all going around to the mini-golf.”

  I frown. “What mini-golf?”

  She points across the grass. “Those kids over there say there’s mini-golf around the corner. They’re all going. Can’t we go, too? Please? Please?”

  I let her tow me across the lawn. “All right. If you want to play mini-golf, you go right ahead.”

  “You have to play, too, Dad,” she informs me. “I can’t play by myself.”

  “I thought you said you were playing with your friends?”

  She doesn’t answer, but hauls me after her new playmates until we reach the mini-golf course. Ivy runs all over the place. She attaches herself to one child after another in her race to make friends with everyone at the same time.

  She rushes back to me. “Come on, Dad. You have to come.”

  I take my hand away from her. “You go ahead. I’ll watch.”

  She puts her head on one side. “You won’t watch. You’ll sit there and think like you always do.”

  I return her direct gaze. “Is it always like this?”

  She nods. “Always.”

  “I’m sorry, baby. I’ll try to pay better attention.”

  She takes a deep breath. “It’s about Kira, isn’t it?”

  I look away. “Yeah. It’s about Kira.”

  “You should just marry her, Dad,” she tells me.

  My head spins around, and I gasp. “What? Marry her?”

  “Sure. Anybody can see you want to.”

  I shake my head and turn the other way. “I can’t marry her. It’s complicated.”

  At that moment, another girl Ivy’s age runs up and starts jabbering to her about clubs and score cards and everything else mini-golf. Ivy gets pulled back into the whirl of friends and fun.

  I settle on a bench nearby, but I don’t even try to pay attention. If my own daughter can see how preoccupied I am, what’s the use in trying to hide it? I came here to spend time with her, and I can’t even do that.

  Kira occupies my every thought. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but the idea of marrying her gives me the heebie-jeebies. How could I marry her? How could I ever give her any semblance of a life?

  The same n
agging questions burn me from inside. I can’t stop seeing her spread out in bed, lying on top of me and kicking her legs in spasms of climax. She’s so overwhelmingly beautiful and attractive, I never want to let her go.

  I have to, though. I wouldn’t be doing her any favors saddling her with my problems, even if she says she wants me to. No one in their right mind would chose this if they had the free will to avoid it.

  The sun slopes low over the trees. The mini-golf game comes to an end, and Ivy waves good-bye to her new friends. I’m glad she’s not so damaged she can’t make friends when she wants to. All she needs is to get out more, and I resolve to take her. I shouldn’t keep her penned up at home, especially now that Jade is going up the river for a long, long time.

  Ivy runs back to me all out of breath. “That was great, Dad. Did you see that shot I made at the end? That was the best. Let’s come back here next weekend.”

  “Okay, honeybunch. Anytime you want to.”

  She studies me. “You didn’t even see my shot, did you?”

  I hang my head. “No, I didn’t. I was sitting here, thinking about Kira, just the way you said I would. Now come on. I’ll buy you an ice cream, and then we’ve got to head home. Kira will probably be worried about us.”

  I buy her an ice cream, but after she tells the clerk what flavor she wants, Ivy turns to me. “Why don’t you have one, Dad?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I just don’t feel like one.”

  “Go on,” she urges. “You never have any fun. Have an ice cream, just this once.”

  I break into a smile. “Okay. If you think I should.”

  “I do. What flavor do you want? Mint chocolate chip? That’s perfect.” She rises on her tiptoes and calls over the counter to the clerk. “And a single of mint chocolate chip, please.”

  She settles back and smiles at me. She’s so sweet and caring. She always takes care of me. She must be the only person who wants me to have some fun once in a while instead of slaving my life away.

  I take my ice cream, and when we return to our bench to eat them, I’m glad I listened to her. “Thanks, baby. I needed an ice cream right now. I should listen to you more often.”

  “Maybe you’ll listen to me about Kira, too,” she returns.

  I cast a sharp glance at her, but she’s thoroughly engrossed in her ice cream. I mutter to myself, “Maybe I should.”

  She turns to look up at me. “What’s stopping you, anyway? She’s nice.”

  I have to smile. “I know she’s nice, and I know you like her a lot. She’s a very good person.”

  “Is that all you can say?” she asks. “You wouldn’t want to marry her just because she’s a good person. There must be more.”

  I study the flecks of chocolate in my ice cream. Why am I discussing this with a ten-year-old? She’s not just a ten-year-old, though. She’s my daughter, and I love her more than anything. We’ve been through it all together. “You’re right. There does have to be more, and there is more. I love her. In fact, I love her enough to marry her, but I don’t know if I can.”

  “Why not?” she demands. “If you love her, marry her.”

  My cheeks burn, but I have to explain it to her as best I can. I can’t let her get her hopes up any more than I can let myself get my hopes up. “In the first place, she has a boyfriend.”

  Ivy shrugs that away. “That doesn’t mean anything. She doesn’t love him as much as she loves you.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “Anybody can see it. She thinks of him like her brother. She could never marry him.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course I’m sure. Didn’t you hear her yesterday? She stuck up for you against him. Haven’t you seen the look on her face when she says your name? She loves you as much as you love her.”

  “That doesn’t mean she wants to marry me. Even if she broke up with her boyfriend, there are lots of reasons she wouldn’t want to marry me.”

  She cocks her head. “Such as?”

  I can’t look at her. She sees right through me. “Such as…all this business with your mom. Kira doesn’t want to marry that.”

  Ivy studies me while she licks her ice cream. Then she looks away for a long, silent while, thinking it all over. “I see what you mean.”

  “You don’t want to deal with all this craziness, and neither do I,” I tell her. “We can both love Kira to bits, but if we love her, we would want to protect her from this. That’s the way I feel, anyway. I want her to be happy. I want her to have a nice life without the Police showing up all the time and your mom making all our lives a living hell. That’s why I don’t want to marry Kira. It’s not because I don’t love her and want to be with her, but sometimes there are more important things to consider when you love someone.”

  “Is that what she says? Does she want a happy life away from all this stuff?”

  “No, that’s not what she says.”

  “What does she say?”

  The blood rushes to my cheeks. Here I am, getting the third degree from my kid about my love life. I can’t hide anything from her, though. “She says she wants to be with us—I mean, with me.”

  I expected her to say, “There you go,” or “So what’s the problem?” or something like that. She doesn’t say anything. She scowls at me for a minute before she falls into her reverie.

  I let the silence linger. I like sitting with her like this. In a way, she’s the partner no woman could ever be. Nothing can ever come between us. It will always be just her and me, no matter what.

  She finishes her ice cream and I finish mine. I’m ready to leave when Ivy turns back to me. “Kira can decide for herself what she wants to do. If she says she wants to be with us, you should let her.”

  “I know, baby. I know, but she might not do that. She might decide to go back to her boyfriend. I wouldn’t blame her if she did.”

  She starts to shake her head, but I take hold of her hand. I do my best to put on a happy and excited face. “Hey, I’ve got an idea. I was thinking we could move to another part of the country. I’ve got enough money. I don’t have to work so much anymore, and the work I keep doing, I can do from anywhere. We could live somewhere else, somewhere we don’t have to worry about you mom bothering us.”

  She stares up at me. “You want to leave? What about Kira?”

  “I don’t want to live in this city anymore if I can’t have Kira, and I have no reason to believe she will be with me. I’ve done this alone all these years. This city is nothing but bad memories to me now. If I’m going to do this without Kira, I don’t want to live here anymore. We can go find ourselves a nice little cabin in the country, somewhere I don’t have to fight all the time to protect you.”

  Ivy scrutinizes me. She sees right through what I just said to the heart of the matter. “I understand. You don’t want to live without Kira. That’s what you really mean.”

  I draw her down on the bench next to me. “Even if Kira did decide to be with us, she could never be family, not like we are. It will always be you and me. No one can ever touch that. Understand?”

  She nods, but doesn’t answer. We set off across the lawn toward home, but something unspoken hangs between us. She doesn’t believe me. I don’t believe me, either. If by the grace of God Kira did decide to be with us—I mean, with me—she would be family. There would be three of us sticking together, not just two. So why did I say that? Why do I keep throwing obstacles into my own path? Why can’t I embrace what’s happening to me instead of throwing it away?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Kira

  I emerge from the trees and stroll through the estate. This place feels good now. It used to make me shudder in my shoes, but now I love the sprawling lawns, the trimmed borders, and the thick woods all around. I can be happy here, and I’m looking forward to seeing Isaac and Ivy again.

  A thousand plans crowd into my mind as I approach the house. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to the limit. I have big plans f
or Ivy’s education. A girl as smart as her shouldn’t be teaching herself. We’ll get her into MENSA or one of those organizations for exceptional people.

  She should be challenging herself. She should be sharing her knowledge and enthusiasm with the world. She should be competing in science fairs with her ant farms and wowing crowds with her music.

  As far as Isaac goes, he’s been locked in a prison of misery so long, the world is his oyster. We could travel the world, going to concerts and plays. We could go out to great restaurants and enjoy life instead of dreading the next time Jade shows up.

  He’s been so overwhelmed by his ordeal, he doesn’t even realize what he’s been missing. He drained his reserves dry just keeping the ship afloat. He needs someone to pull him out of that and into the real world.

  The house comes into sight, and I gaze up at the high turrets and gleaming windows. The day I first came to this front door seems an eternity ago. I can’t believe I ever dreaded coming back here. If I knew then what I know now, I would have run up those steps laughing and calling out, “I’m home!”

  I march up the driveway, but when I get to the steps, the front door opens and Connor Armstrong steps out. He grins down at me. “Oh, hello. Are you still here?”

  I blush and cast my eyes down at the gravel underfoot. “Yeah, I’m still here.”

  He laughs. “Another glutton for punishment. Where were you? Where is everybody?”

  “Aren’t they home?” I ask. “Isaac took Ivy out for the day. I was here alone, so I decided to…go for a walk, too. I thought they would be home by now.”

  “Nobody in there. They must be having a good time.”

  “Yeah. They deserve it after…. anyways, I hope they are.”

  He shoots me his sharp glance. “Did something happen?”

  I shrug. “We had another dust-up with Jade yesterday. We…well, we had a little trouble, but it’s over now and she’s in jail. I…got hit in the head. I was asleep when Isaac and Ivy left.”